The Bin Qasim Conspiracy

Sando, you Scallywag! Pt.1


Sando, you scallywag! How dare you suggest the saintly Muslim generalissimo Mohammed bin Qasim founded your rotten rag in 712 AD? Have you not a smidgeon of shame? — Zaid Hamid Al-Mujahid Majnun, Okara.
Weekly Chokus Bureau Chief: Sando Sapanwalla


HUMPH. When the mullahs argue bin Qasim founded Pakistan, why does your kind religiously nod along? Given that sliver of plausibility, I’d say the odds are higher he launched the Weekly Chokus.


What’s inexcusable is that you, sir, would deny sarcasm if it tore through your roof and twerked beside your bed. However, I’ll play along since obnoxious halfwits like you have more insidious potential than a hundred Al-Baghdadis.


FACT: If I, you, or any of the birdbrains we elect to power had any “shame,” Pakistan wouldn’t forever camp at the precipice. Likewise, sans God’s vexing grace for the plebs who only pay him lip service, this country would’ve plunged into the proverbial abyss mere years after independence.


Still, your outrage surprises me. If all my years as a wandering street urchin taught me anything, it’s that Pakistanis salivate at outlandish conspiracy theories. Conspiracies, after all, lull us to carefree sleep, while soul-searching depletes the precious brain cells we need to shift blame.


How else can anyone believe COVID-19 is “fake news” when hospitals around the country brim with critically ill people? That polio vaccines are a Zionist plot to sterilize Muslim males when the disease lames their children? That family planning is anti-Islamic, but child labor isn’t?


How else can anyone swear Pakistan is a democracy when it's owned and operated by two families and their lapdogs? That one man, no matter a Niazi or a Nazi, can’t overturn decades of reckless neglect? That Osama bin Laden was a martyr for murdering thousands of innocents? That Israel and India scheme night and day to destroy Pakistan because Satan has the djinn managing their affairs? Bah, humbug.


Today we are a nation where bending the truth is a badge of honor. Where imam masjids at Friday sermons preach hate-mongering politics instead of Islamic values. Where our Zamzam-soaked history books implant in young minds a procession of false heroes and their forged virtues. Where we measure patriotism by words and not deeds, and where the progenies of saints are the scummiest among us.


I'll be the first to concede that Pakistan surviving despite our idiocies is one of life’s greatest mysteries. Either God has a cunning plan or we're all punchlines in some grand cosmic joke.


Your perplexed compatriot,








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