Sando, you Scallywag! Pt.2
Sando, you scallywag! How dare you mock the devout leadership of Naya Pakistan? I will blacklist you alongside those blasted pigs in school textbooks! — Rai Manzoor al-Kambakht Kitabi, Gagu Mandi.
BRAVO, sir! I hoot, toot, and plumb agree with your decision! Swine are evil sorcerers, period.
Surely their 2D likeness tempts children to tear apart textbooks and snack on the pages.
Why, without your prescience, I’m certain children would soon demand pig trotters in their sri paye. Oh, the horror!
But, your magnificence, I question your judgment to ban pigs merely from textbooks.
We must excise these inglorious beasts from the length of our holy land! We must erase every speck of their wicked existence from within our sacred borders and chaste memories.
I thus implore the government to posthaste launch a mass “mental readjustment” campaign, whereby we purge our minds of these vile creatures through mild electrocution.
This, sir, is your solemn duty as the self-appointed busybodies of Islam.
My corpsy forefathers and I also entreat you to censor the Internet for any snippet of data that starts with the letter “p” and ends with a “g”, especially that infernal PUBG. Better yet, strike those infidel letters out of the alphabet.
Next, you must forthwith ban McDonalds and all other joints that prefix “ham” to their burgers anywhere in the world. Who cares if they use beef patties? It’s the principle that counts.
Above all, I beseech you not to stop there!
Reliable sources tell me that pigs—the crafty little devils—routinely masquerade as humans in Pakistan: pigs disguised as politicians, police officers, and the press.
To this effect, I demand the supreme court codify a legal definition of the word “pig” to include anyone and everyone who harms Pakistan’s “progressive spirit.” To cleanse our great nation, we must purify ourselves of all pigs!
Oh, wait. That includes you.
I've always meant to ask: when you see pigs in textbooks, are you upset because they're anti-Islamic? Or because it feels like staring in a mirror?
I don’t give a gnat’s ass about swine, honest. What’s painfully obvious though is you senile mandarins spend the year scratching your nuts and contriving insane threats to the country. On the taxpayers' dime; on my dime.
I await your answer with bated breath and a hankering for common sense. I’m certain disappointment awaits me on the second count, but let no fool later accuse Sando of dogmatism. That’s more your mountain, anyway.
Your mirthless compatriot,
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